


Worse than the Breakup Beard

by torigates



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-04
Updated: 2013-11-04
Packaged: 2017-12-31 12:43:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1031831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/torigates/pseuds/torigates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barney can't take it any longer. There's something about Marshall that's been driving him crazy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Worse than the Breakup Beard

  
Kids, it was the fall of 2008. I was with Stella, your Uncle Marshall had just gotten a job, but there was still one question on everyone’s mind.

 

 

“Alright,” Barney said sliding into the booth where Marshall was sitting. Lily and Robin were at the bar getting the next round, and Ted was on a date with Stella. “I can’t take it any longer. I have to know. _It’s driving me crazy!_ "

Marshall stared at Barney like he was insane (which was actually pretty par for the course). “What are you talking about, Barney?”

“What’s with the hair?”

“What do you mean?” Marshall asked.

“What do I mean?” Barney parroted back. “If you’re going to come work with me, I can’t let this go on any longer.”

“I still don’t know what you’re talking about,” Marshall said.

“We’ve all been cool with it this long because we know you’ve been having a hard time lately. But your hair is getting out of control, Eriksen. You look completely ridiculous.”

Marshall put a hand up to his hair. “What are you talking about, Barney?”

“Your hair, Eriksen! Your hair! When was the last time you got a haircut?”

“Uh, I don’t know?” Marshal said hesitantly.

“That’s exactly my point!” Barney exclaimed.

“I’m sorry I don’t know when I got my last haircut, Barney. I’m not a woman.” Marshall shot back.

“You don’t have to be a woman to care about your hair,” Barney said, smiling at his own rhyme. “It’s called hygiene. Most of us have been doing it since puberty.”

Marshall glared at him. “It’s not that bad,” he said.

“Not that bad? _Not that bad_? When was the last time you actually looked in the mirror?” Barney asked. “Because I have been looking at your sorry face practically every day for the last few months, and I am here to tell you, Marshall Eriksen: it is that bad. It’s worse.”

“C’mon, Barney.”

“Marshall,” Barney said looking him in the eye. “It’s worse than Ted’s breakup beard.”

“You take that back!”

“I will not! It’s the truth, and if you can’t see it for yourself, then I have no other option than to make you.”

Barney stood up. “Stand up,” he told Marshall.

“Why? Where are we going?”

“Just stand up.”

Marshall reluctantly stood up and followed Barney into the men’s room. “Now close your eyes,” Barney told him.

“Uh, Barney. I don’t know if I’m really comfortable –”

“Just close your eyes, dammit!”

Marshall closed his eyes. “Alright,” Barney said. “When you open your eyes you’re going to see a man. This man is not you, just some guy you’ve run into on the street. When you see him, I want you to tell me your first impression. Now open your eyes.”

Marshall opened his eyes, and… well, it wasn’t pretty. “Oh my god!” He shouted. “It really _is_ worse than the breakup beard. Why didn’t any of you tell me?”

“ _Thank you_ ,” Barney said. “Now let’s go.”

“Go where?”

“To get you a haircut, of course. Do you think I want to be seen with you in public any longer than absolutely necessary?” Barney asked.

“Alright,” Marshall said taking another look in the mirror and shuddering. “Let’s go.”

Outside the bar Barney hailed a cab. “Where are we going to find a hair dresser open at 10:30 at night?” Marshall asked.

“Are you kidding me?” Barney replied. “We live in New York! Plus, I _totally_ know a guy.”

“What guy?”

“Please,” Barney said.

//

Barney did indeed know a guy. “Hey, Carlos,” he said once they had arrived at their destination. “This is the guy I was telling you about.”

“You didn’t tell me it was this bad,” Carlos replied.

“I know,” Barney said. “It just keeps growing.”

“Hey!” Marshall exclaimed. “I’m standing right here.”

“You forfeited your right to an opinion when you let your hair get this bad,” Barney told him. Marshall begrudgingly admitted that he might have a point.

“Sit,” Carlos told him, forcefully shoving Marshall into one of the chairs. “I’ll have this situation under control in no time.”

As Carlos and Barney made comments about the hideousness of Marshall’s hair, and Carlos began to cut it without mercy, Marshall thought about the last few months.

It _had_ been a hard time for him. Lately, he could hardly care about getting up in the morning, let alone how his hair looked or what he was going to wear. That was going to change. He had a beautiful wife, friends who cared about him (even if they had let him walk around looking horrible for months) and he had a job. But more importantly, he did _not_ want to look worse than Ted circa the Robin breakup. There had to be _some_ standards.

When Carlos was done, Marshall had to admit he looked a lot better. He felt a lot better too, like things were going to be okay.

“I got this,” Barney said when Marshall went to pay (which was a good thing, because fifty bucks for a haircut, seriously?).

“Thanks, Barney. I really appreciate it.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Barney paused. “You’re not going to cry, are you?”

“No,” Marshall said. “You’re going to cry.”

Barney rolled his eyes. “You are _such_ a woman.”

//

“Hey,” Ted greeted them, when Barney and Marshall got back to the apartment. “You finally got rid of the hobo hair.”

“The what?” Marshall asked.

“Oh,” Ted said, “That’s kind of what we’ve all been calling it behind your back. ‘Hobo hair’”

“Because you looked like a hobo,” Robin added helpfully.

“Thanks, Robin. I think I got that,” Marshall replied. “I can’t believe you all just let me walk around looking horrible these last few months. Not to mention making fun of me behind my back.”

“I’m sorry, baby,” Lily said and gave him a kiss. “We just didn’t want to hurt your feelings. You’ve been having a hard time lately.”

“Still,” Marshall said. “You all told Ted how horrible his breakup beard was.”

“Hey!” Ted exclaimed.

“Oh come on, Ted. You know it was horrible,” Barney told him.

“Fine,” Ted muttered. “But not as horrible as the hobo hair.”

“I don’t know,” Robin said. “I think that’s seriously debatable.”

“Well I think you look sexy,” Lily told him, as Ted, Robin and Barney continued the debate the breakup beard versus the hobo hair. “I think this calls for a little post-haircut celebration tonight.”

“ _Yeah_ it does,” Barney said butting in.

“Shut up, man,” Marshall said as Robin punched him in the arm.

“Hey,” Barney said. “A little appreciation for the man who got you that haircut would be nice.”

 

 

And that, kids, is the story of how your Uncle Marshall finally learned the value of good personal hygiene. 


End file.
